Honest John has gone for a Drive, so meet Dishonest Tom

To be strictly accurate, Honest John and Heycar have been folded into Drive.co.uk, a new place for consumers to find, finance and drive the sort of cars that are of little to no interest to Petrolblog. It’s powered by Volkswagen Financial Services, which might explain why the most popular reviews are of cars from the Volkswagen Group stable.

At the time of writing, the three cheapest cars were a £3,250 Vauxhall Viva (no, not that one), a £3,417 Vauxhall Antara (yes, that one) and a £3,500 Dacia Sandero (no, not an Access).

And if you want further evidence that the site is of little interest to Petrolblog, the oldest cars I could find were registered in 2016. That’s barely run in by Petrolblog standards.

I should probably declare an interest here, albeit an indirect one: some of my words appeared on Honest John through my freelance work for Motoring Research. I wasn’t moonlighting as the man in the hat, but I always had a soft spot for the place, which felt a touch more authentic than some of the other new-car websites.

The Real MPG section was genuinely useful and, although the Back Room forum was a bit like entering an automotive black hole, you could nearly always find an answer to a specific question. It was one of those websites you landed on after typing something like ‘Renault Laguna wet passenger footwell smell’ into Google at 11.47pm. Five minutes later, you’d know the likely cause, the cost of fixing it and why somebody called ‘skidpan’ was recommending a Kia Ceed instead.

The reviews haven’t vanished, they’ve just moved somewhere larger and shinier, with a big VW badge behind the reception desk. The familiar Honest John masthead has been left in a skip behind the canteen and the keys handed over to security.

Honest John helped you make sense of the car you owned and was there when replacing it became unavoidable. Drive feels less like an advice service and more like the beginning of a lengthy finance or lease agreement. This leaves a vacancy.

Admittedly, nobody has asked Petrolblog to fill it. There has been no public campaign, no online petition and no approach from the Department for Transport. But nature abhors a vacuum and Petrolblog abhors an unused joke, so we've done it anyway.

Meet Dishonest Tom.

Tom has spent more than 30 years around cars, much of it waiting for recovery vehicles. He has no formal mechanical qualifications, although he once diagnosed a failing wheel bearing on a Capri 3.0 Ghia by turning up the radio until the noise went away. He claims to have owned 63 cars, eleven of which were his.

His guiding principle is that every motoring problem can be solved by buying a different and significantly less appropriate car. His advice is free, because nobody in their right mind would pay for it.

Let's open the postbag.

Ask Dishonest Tom

A sensible family car

Dear Dishonest Tom,

We're expecting our second child and need a larger family car to replace our Ford Focus. Our budget is around £5,000. It must be safe, dependable and practical, with enough room for a pushchair and all the usual baby stuff. My wife likes the Nissan Qashqai, but I'd prefer something a little more interesting. What do you recommend?

Martin, Little Sodbury

Dishonest Tom says:

The obvious answer is a Renault Avantime.

It has no rear doors, so there's no danger of the children opening them in traffic or the child locks failing. The front doors are enormous, which makes fitting a child seat very easy, provided you park in an empty aircraft hangar. There's plenty of glass, so the little ones will be able to see out, and if you pick the 3.0-litre V6 you'll reach your destination before the first cry of ‘Are we nearly there yet?’

Some people will tell you to buy a Nissan Qashqai+2 instead. These people have given up.

An engine management light

Dear Dishonest Tom,

The engine management light has appeared on my 2010 Vauxhall Astra. The car still drives normally, but my local garage wants £85 plus VAT to plug it into a diagnostic machine. Is there a cheaper way of finding the fault?

Sarah, Holbeach

Dishonest Tom says:

Yes. Buy a £19 diagnostic reader from the internet, misunderstand the code and replace the oxygen sensor. When the light comes back, replace another oxygen sensor. Most cars have several, which is useful because it allows the process to continue for weeks.

Alternatively, clear the code and see whether it returns. If it does, clear it again. Modern cars are terribly needy and you mustn't reward attention-seeking behaviour.

Remember: a red warning light means stop immediately. An amber warning light means stop worrying about it until shortly before the MOT.

A cheap and economical commuter

Dear Dishonest Tom,

I'm starting a new job with a 60-mile daily commute. I have £4,000 to spend and need something comfortable, economical and reliable. My mate Joe says something with a diesel engine would be good, maybe a Ford Focus, a Toyota Auris or a Hyundai i30. Any other suggestions?

James, Helions Bumpstead

Dishonest Tom says:

You're going to spend a lot of time in this car, so buying something dreary would be a false economy. What you need is a Citroën C6 2.7 HDi.

Thirty-odd miles per gallon is perfectly acceptable when every journey looks like you’re being driven to an emergency meeting at the Élysée Palace. Or arriving at the ambassador’s reception with a platter of Ferrero Rocher. The suspension will also reduce wear and tear on your spine, saving hundreds of pounds in future chiropractor bills. Probably.

Your £4,000 budget should be enough to buy the cheapest C6 currently advertised in Britain, a phrase which inspires confidence in any experienced motorist. Don't waste time worrying about timing belts, suspension pipes or electrical faults; not everything you read on the internet is accurate.

Ask Tom anything. Follow none of it

So there he is: Dishonest Tom, the motoring agony uncle nobody asked for, arriving at precisely the moment nobody needed him.

If you have a motoring dilemma, send it to Petrolblog. Tom will ignore your budget, misunderstand your requirements and recommend something French with a limited parts supply.

The questions above are fictitious and the advice is terrible, so Petrolblog accepts no responsibility for breakdowns, divorce, financial ruin or the sudden appearance of a Renault Avantime on your driveway.