The Suzuki Dzire is the Shatchback cheat code for better cars

It isn’t sold in the UK. This is a shame, because the Dzire might be the most sensible new car you cannot buy.

The name is ironic. It’s not fast, packed with technology or especially attractive. The only time it will achieve a state of cool is when it’s eventually recycled into a refrigerator. Nevertheless, if you absolutely must buy a new car, you should consider buying something like this. It will improve your motoring life, make you wealthier and might even save your marriage. I’m serious. Hear me out.

It’s filthy dirty cheap

In the UAE, where I tried this one, a Dzire cost a shade over £10,000 at the prevailing exchange rate. That’s several thousand pounds less than even the humblest new city car in Britain. It also comes with a seven-year, unlimited-mileage warranty.

Granted, buying one here is academic, but the principle stands: spend less on the household appliance and keep more money for the interesting stuff.

It has everything you need

The UAE-market Dzire combines a 1.2-litre, three-cylinder engine with a CVT. Other markets also offer manual and automated-manual versions, but none will trouble a hot hatch.

It has ABS, stability control, hill-hold assistance, six airbags, electric windows and mirrors, air conditioning and rear parking sensors. There are USB ports, cupholders, a reversing camera and, would you believe, an old-school handbrake.

The 9-inch infotainment screen has the thick black surround of something your youngest uses to watch Paw Patrol, but it supports Apple CarPlay and Android Auto. The speakers are cheap and the seats adjust manually. This is a budget car; what did you expect?

Suzuki has at least given the cabin contrasting colours, with patterns and angles that mimic the exterior styling. Fresh from the showroom, it looks fine. There is a sense that the plastics might not enjoy a long and brutal family life. After a few months of hard use, the interior may resemble the lair of a neurotic cat.

It skips plenty of stuff you don’t want

The Dzire isn’t overflowing with the active driver-assistance systems found in European-market cars. During my time with it, there was no chorus of bongs objecting to every speed-limit change, white line or lapse in concentration.

You still get the important safety kit, but the car expects its driver to remain involved. Imagine that.

You can park without fear

No longer must you circle a car park in search of the safest space for your pride and joy. Park near the entrance. Who cares if an abandoned trolley rolls into it? There will be no gnashing of teeth, because the Dzire is not precious. Like the bag containing your shopping, it exists to transport things without fanfare and at the lowest possible cost.

Airport parking becomes stress-free. The 382-litre boot will swallow two large suitcases, cabin bags and the duty-free kibble collected on the return journey. The dreary bus ride back to Long Stay won’t be spent wondering whether there’s now a yawning void where you parked the M3. The Dzire will still be there; car thieves are quite discerning.

A fresh scrape will elicit a mild tut rather than a meltdown. Nor will you curse when a squadron of seagulls has plastered it, because the Dzire is not an M3 and Twilight Purple Metallic isn’t on the options list.

It will save your licence

The Dzire’s top speed is around 100mph, but the little 1.2-litre engine will be wailing with indignation long before then. Keeping one ear tuned to it should keep your licence golden.

You might manage to chirrup the front tyres away from the lights, but acceleration best described as leisurely means you’re fooling nobody. You will look, frankly, a bit of a tit. Best not.

You can laugh in the face of potholes

The Dzire rides more softly than your mate’s RS4. Drive enthusiastically and there will be body roll, followed by understeer. The Nürburgring was never on this car’s to-do list. This is good.

Soft suspension and sensibly sized tyres allow potholes to be negotiated without swerving into oncoming traffic. If the worst happens, a replacement 15-inch tyre won’t require a call to your mortgage adviser. You won’t cry if you scrape a wheel, either. A tin of black spray paint awaits.

It simplifies the school run

Your teenage children may die of embarrassment when you collect them in a Dzire. No problem: invite them to embrace cycling.

In extremis, you can drop them two streets away, providing a small but important saving in fuel and time. Avoiding the school gates also reduces your exposure to badly parked SUVs, competitive parenting and WhatsApp-group politics. The Dzire continues to make your life better.

It breaks the PCP circle of doom

Buy the humble little box outright and the approaching balloon payment can no longer swing above your head. No refinancing options, mental gymnastics or negotiations in a glass showroom while somebody values your ‘equity’.

Put the monthly payment you no longer have into savings, investments, the mortgage or anything else that makes or saves money. Does that sound boring? Yes. Do you know what’s worse? Realising that several years of payments have left you with no car and another finance agreement.

You’ll miss the kudos and creamy delivery of that straight-six Autobahn stormer, but every journey in the Dzire is made on a comforting wad of saved cash. You’re a rebel now, even if you swapped the Millennium Falcon for a Bantha.

It makes you drive properly

Modern performance cars are louder and faster than ever, but they’re also remarkably easy to operate. Pull a paddle, follow the lights and let launch control handle the difficult bit. NASA trained Ham the chimpanzee to pull levers in response to illuminated cues more than 60 years ago. Sound familiar?

Making rapid-ish progress in a Dzire requires genuine skill. With no last-minute lunge available for a heroic overtake – the Dzire has no lunge – you must improve your speed perception, plan ahead and combine smooth braking and steering simply to maintain momentum.

Repeat the exercise and you’ll become a more thoughtful driver. Better still, unlike Ham, you won’t receive an electric shock when you get it wrong.

It provides an escape from the hype

You saw the dream in the magazine. The road-test photographs showed broad, sun-dappled valleys and serpentine Alpine passes. Life gave you 50 miles of Easter contraflow, a dead lorry in the middle lane and a traffic officer with a radar gun.

You don’t need twin turbos and a competition spoiler when you’re forced to dribble along. The Suzuki Dzire was born to dribble. Do boring things in a boring, cheap car and you unlock the cheat code.

The Dzire is the cheat code for garage toys

Well played. You bought the Dzire, survived the ribbing of your mates and endured the neighbours’ pitiful glances. You’re becoming a better driver and, crucially, you’ve saved a bundle of cash.

Leave £20,000 in the joint account and congratulations on your new kitchen. You didn’t, though, which means it’s time to open the classifieds:

• Track-day fun without a trailer: Caterham or Lotus Elise.
• Modern classic: E46 BMW M3 convertible, preferably with the frightening jobs done.
• A touch of Tokyo drift: Nissan 350Z, with money left for rear tyres.
• Country squire: L322 Range Rover. Your Labrador will love you.
• Le Mans run: a TVR for riotous behaviour en route and at the campsite.
• Everything on red: Bentley Continental GT W12.

Depending on condition and your appetite for jeopardy, £20,000 opens the door to these and plenty of other interesting cars. Luxuriate in the fact that it’s yours, rather than something the finance company wants back in three years.

Of course, this is where man maths enters the equation. Perhaps a small loan on top would put a 996-generation Porsche 911 or a well-used Aston Martin DB9 within reach. Steady.

There is, as mentioned earlier, one catch: the Dzire isn’t sold in Europe or the UK. It might be built in right-hand drive for India, but importing and registering one here would rather undermine the cheap, easy and sensible parts of the argument. So don’t import one. Pester Suzuki UK instead.

The Dzire won’t make you look successful, impress the neighbours or set your trousers on fire. What it might do is leave enough room in your budget – and your garage – for a car that will.