The car industry was plunged into a new crisis last night – one that threatens to dwarf Dieselgate and the state of the Mitsubishi Mirage. Quite simply: the car industry has run out of names.
For years, car manufacturers have turned to the patented CNoG (Car Name-o-Generator) for ideas, but insufficient funding and a lack of maintenance has resulted in the machine falling into disrepair. Now, it would appear that the days of brilliant car names are behind us. The likes of the Interceptor, Invader, Thunderbird and Mysterious Utility Wizard: never to be repeated gems of the past.
The news comes as Vauxhall released photos of its new Grandland X: the “new SUV with a sporty design and crisp proportions.” Not our words, Lynn, but the words of the Vauxhall press office.
With CNoG failing to deliver and the local pre-school closed for the holidays, Vauxhall bosses went off to the Hemel Hempstead Harvester for inspiration. Realising that the Vauxhall Triple Combo or Vauxhall Harvester 83 Combo wouldn’t cut the mustard, the top brass went outside for a vape.
Scraping the bottom of a discarded barrel they found next to the disabled parking area, they agreed that the Grandland X would be a magnificent name for a Peugeot 3008 in a Vauxhall suit. Happy with their decision, the team returned to the restaurant for a Rocky Horror with extra fudge pieces.
News of the name has been met with confusion and derision. A 38-year-old man, who declined to give his name, thought that it sounded like a “Saturday sports programme presented by Des Lynam”. Meanwhile, a lady shopping for milk at the Eaton Socon branch of Nisa Local asked: “What were they thinking?
“Grandland – is that a theme park for OAPs? I think I’d rather spend a day out with Ronnie Pickering at Oak Furniture Land.”
A Vauxhall spokesperson defended the name, arguing that it “joined a great line of things ending with a single letter X”, before struggling to get beyond Malcolm and Liberty.
Of course, this isn’t an isolated case. Kadjar, Bentayga and F-Pace are similarly poor names, while Kia pretty much confirmed Alan Partridge’s next choice of wheels when it called its 4-Series rival the Stinger.
The Grandland X will make its debut at the Frankfurt Motor Show in September before gracing a street near you in 2018. In the meantime, an industry official was said to be approaching the CNoG machine with a large hammer.