The cliche and bakery industries were sent into turmoil this afternoon, when rumours started circulating that the all-new Ford Focus RS might be quite good.
Within seconds of the first five-star reviews being posted online, it was confirmed that Ford’s latest fast Ford was, you know, like the best fast Ford ever built, innit. Nobody does fast Fords better than Ford, etc. The blue oval has created another blue-collar hero, repeat to fade…
But while this was good news for Ford, it soon became clear that sliced bread would no longer be the default choice for fans of tired cliches and overused phrases.
A crisis meeting at the British Bakers Club (BBC), resulted in chairman Stan Roly-Poly issuing the following statement: “While we accept the Focus RS might be ‘phwoar, bloody quick’ and ‘jeez, drift mode for the win’, we don’t accept it’s good enough to topple sliced bread from the king of the cliches. We shall be taking this matter to the European Union as a violation of the laws protecting valuable cliches. See you in Greggs, Mr Ford.”
A 4pm embargo was placed on driving impressions, leaving motoring websites with an anxious wait before posting their reviews. One respected online outlet published its review of the Focus RS before the embargo, only to remove it 4.6 seconds later, a fraction quicker than the 0-62 time of Ford’s supercar-tamer. Did we mention it’s apparently quite good?
The reviews led to a meltdown on some online forums, with one Ford fansite reporting a huge increase in the number of kidneys put up for sale. Curiously, each kidney had a price tag of £29,995.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Honda denied reports that it had sent representatives to retail parks and McDonald’s car parks with details of two-for-one deals on the new turbocharged Civic Type R. A hastily written press released entitled ‘Naturally aspirated good, forced induction bad’ was retracted within 4.5 seconds, a fraction quicker than the… well, you get the picture.
There was also some confusion at Peugeot, where staff members were seen huddled around copies of Car magazine from 1984, before muttering things about the 205 GTi, benchmark, hot hatch, lift-off oversteer and the good old days.