Shatchbacks 2: Judgment Day

It would appear that I’m not alone in my irrational hatred of Shatchbacks. My previous list of horrors was quite clearly just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. If you missed the early instalment, take a look here. Be warned, the images aren’t pretty.

In true collaborative style, I opened the floor up to more suggestions and the results have been pretty staggering, verging on the horrendous. Don’t blame me for the hell that is about to be unleashed, just visit their respective Twitter accounts and register your disdain accordingly!

So, five more to cherish and there’s still more for a third instalment…

Suzuki Swift Sedan – nominated by @88Brit

In the UK, the Suzuki Swift has many fans, loved for having a cheeky persona and a genuine willingness to deliver a cheap thrill. Indeed, the Sport version is lauded by many for being a genuinely great little hot hatch.

But as pointed out by our U.S. correspondent, there is another version of the Swift that fortunately only exists in foreign markets. I’m speaking about the sedan version, which takes all the best styling cues of the hatchback, throws them into the bin before running over them with a steamroller. A design to swift under the carpet. Swiftly.

Sedan Hussein

Volkswagen Polo saloon – nominated by @Petrolheed

Ah, the Polo. A car loved by a diverse range of people, from students getting their first car to older people choosing a car to see out the rest of their days. But how anyone could love the saloon is quite frankly beyond me.

Zinedine Sedan

Maruti Suzuki Dzire – nominated by @vHenryk

Now, this is essentially a rebadged Suzuki Swift for the Indian market, but it is worthy of a second mention for two simple reasons. Firstly, they’ve had the audacity and cheek to name the car the Dzire. How many brainstorming sessions did it take to come up with that? Oh, how clever it is to use a text-speak style version of desire to appeal to the ‘yoof’ market. Go and buy yourself a mocha latte for a job well done. Shame I wasn’t invited to the brainstorm, my sole contribution would have been to drop the letter Z. Much simpler and so much more relevant.

The second reason the Dire… sorry, Dzire is here is the wonderfully tragic microsite used to promote the car. Visit www.marutidzire.com and you’ll see the first car website that uses rain and darkness to promote a new car. Genius.

Turn the sound up to the max to enjoy what is perhaps the worst musical score ever to grace any website. Reminds me of the sample tracks you would have found on an old Casio keyboard. I challenge you to last more than two minutes with the sound up. Believe me, you won’t.

I am, Sedan

Dongfeng Peugeot 207 – nominated by @vHenryk

This is vHenryk’s second nomination, but it is no less hideous than the first. The Peugeot 206 is not a good base to start with, but when you strip away the hatchback and add a boot, it is very much like taking Ann Widdecombe and giving her a beard and a flat cap. Allow me to handover to correspondent Al Henry for more detail;

The Brazilian made 207 sedan is offered throughout South America where they also sell a restyled 206 as 207 and a restyled Golf 4 as if it was brand new. Countries like Brazil and Argentina apply heavy taxes on imported cars to protect their local industry. It’s an established practice for manufacturers such as GM, PSA and VW to overextend the life of some models to save costs on assembly lines and to make a quick buck on cars without having to offset development costs. Local parts providers are also factors on this diabolical equation. Average brazilians and argentinians are left with no choice but to buy such piles of rubbish being that small cars like the Japanese-made Yaris would cost considerably more and are therefore not exported there. There’s the strange situation of freetrade embracing countries like Chile where the actual 207 is sold alongside that other 207(marketed as 207 compact) as a value alternative.

So there you have it, the Dongfeng Peugeot 207 is little more than a means of making a quick buck. They should have saved the money and visited a museum. Or treat themselves to a three-course dinner at Pizza Express. Or maybe just rented a DVD.

Oh Sedan, Oh Sedan, Sedan next to me

Skoda Fabia saloon – nominated by @TheCarDisco

The Fabia saloon is a stark reminder that despite being the darlings of the automotive world, Skoda can still manage to make a cock-up or two. The Fabia saloon once again manages to take what is a pretty little hatchback and turn it into something resembling a lump of lard and a tin of spam.

So, while the company may have the likes of the Fabia vRS, Superb estate and Yeti on one side of the scales, the Fabia saloon will always tip the balance towards negativity. Sorry, Skoda.

Sedan Atkinson

So, five more mouthwatering temptresses to whet your appetite. A third instalment of the Shatchbacks story will be appearing soon, featuring treats from Renault, Riley and Mazda. If you’ve got a nomination of your own, drop me a line. In a perverse kind of way, I’d be delighted to hear from you. Just not sure how many more horrors the interweb can take.

Images courtesy of Wikipedia and the manufacturers.