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Shatchbacks 2: Judgment Day

Published by Gavin Big-Surname at 28th July 2010
Dongfeng Peugeot 207 Sedan

Dongfeng Peugeot 207

It would appear that I’m not alone in my irrational hatred of Shatchbacks. My previous list of horrors was quite clearly just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. If you missed the early instalment, take a look here. Be warned, the images aren’t pretty.

In true collaborative style, I opened the floor up to more suggestions and the results have been pretty staggering, verging on the horrendous. Don’t blame me for the hell that is about to be unleashed, just visit their respective Twitter accounts and register your disdain accordingly!

So, five more to cherish and there’s still more for a third instalment…

Suzuki Swift Sedan – nominated by @88Brit

In the UK, the Suzuki Swift has many fans, loved for having a cheeky persona and a genuine willingness to deliver a cheap thrill. Indeed, the Sport version is lauded by many for being a genuinely great little hot hatch.

But as pointed out by our U.S. correspondent, there is another version of the Swift that fortunately only exists in foreign markets. I’m speaking about the sedan version, which takes all the best styling cues of the hatchback, throws them into the bin before running over them with a steamroller. A design to swift under the carpet. Swiftly.

Suzuki Swift saloon

Sedan Hussein

Volkswagen Polo saloon – nominated by @Petrolheed

Ah, the Polo. A car loved by a diverse range of people, from students getting their first car to older people choosing a car to see out the rest of their days. But how anyone could love the saloon is quite frankly beyond me.

Volkswagen Polo saloon

Zinedine Sedan

Maruti Suzuki Dzire – nominated by @vHenryk

Now, this is essentially a rebadged Suzuki Swift for the Indian market, but it is worthy of a second mention for two simple reasons. Firstly, they’ve had the audacity and cheek to name the car the Dzire. How many brainstorming sessions did it take to come up with that? Oh, how clever it is to use a text-speak style version of desire to appeal to the ‘yoof’ market. Go and buy yourself a mocha latte for a job well done. Shame I wasn’t invited to the brainstorm, my sole contribution would have been to drop the letter Z. Much simpler and so much more relevant.

The second reason the Dire… sorry, Dzire is here is the wonderfully tragic microsite used to promote the car. Visit www.marutidzire.com and you’ll see the first car website that uses rain and darkness to promote a new car. Genius.

Turn the sound up to the max to enjoy what is perhaps the worst musical score ever to grace any website. Reminds me of the sample tracks you would have found on an old Casio keyboard. I challenge you to last more than two minutes with the sound up. Believe me, you won’t.

Suzuki Maruti Dzire

I am, Sedan

Dongfeng Peugeot 207 – nominated by @vHenryk

This is vHenryk’s second nomination, but it is no less hideous than the first. The Peugeot 206 is not a good base to start with, but when you strip away the hatchback and add a boot, it is very much like taking Ann Widdecombe and giving her a beard and a flat cap. Allow me to handover to correspondent Al Henry for more detail;

The Brazilian made 207 sedan is offered throughout South America where they also sell a restyled 206 as 207 and a restyled Golf 4 as if it was brand new. Countries like Brazil and Argentina apply heavy taxes on imported cars to protect their local industry. It’s an established practice for manufacturers such as GM, PSA and VW to overextend the life of some models to save costs on assembly lines and to make a quick buck on cars without having to offset development costs. Local parts providers are also factors on this diabolical equation. Average brazilians and argentinians are left with no choice but to buy such piles of rubbish being that small cars like the Japanese-made Yaris would cost considerably more and are therefore not exported there. There’s the strange situation of freetrade embracing countries like Chile where the actual 207 is sold alongside that other 207(marketed as 207 compact) as a value alternative.

So there you have it, the Dongfeng Peugeot 207 is little more than a means of making a quick buck. They should have saved the money and visited a museum. Or treat themselves to a three-course dinner at Pizza Express. Or maybe just rented a DVD.

Dongfeng Peugeot 207 Sedan

Oh Sedan, Oh Sedan, Sedan next to me

Skoda Fabia saloon – nominated by @TheCarDisco

The Fabia saloon is a stark reminder that despite being the darlings of the automotive world, Skoda can still manage to make a cock-up or two. The Fabia saloon once again manages to take what is a pretty little hatchback and turn it into something resembling a lump of lard and a tin of spam.

So, while the company may have the likes of the Fabia vRS, Superb estate and Yeti on one side of the scales, the Fabia saloon will always tip the balance towards negativity. Sorry, Skoda.

Skoda Fabia Saloon

Sedan Atkinson

So, five more mouthwatering temptresses to whet your appetite. A third instalment of the Shatchbacks story will be appearing soon, featuring treats from Renault, Riley and Mazda. If you’ve got a nomination of your own, drop me a line. In a perverse kind of way, I’d be delighted to hear from you. Just not sure how many more horrors the interweb can take.

Images courtesy of Wikipedia and the manufacturers.

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14 Comments

  1. Richard says:
    28th July 2010 at 9:42 pm

    I like the Polo. I really liked the Vauxhall Belmont and really wanted them to build a 2000GSi with the engine and suspension from the Astra GTE. It would have been a little brother to the Carlton 3000GSi. Think about that.

    Reply
    • MajorGav says:
      28th July 2010 at 9:53 pm

      Now you see, if Vauxhall had the foresight and ingenuity of your good self, we might be talking about the Belmont in a different way. It could so easily have been a genuine classic, up there with the all time greats. A Belmont 2000GSi would be a highly collectable and valuable 80s motor. As it happens, the Belmont is a tired and practically worthless car that history will remember as being one of the UK’s most stolen automobiles.

      Reply
  2. Tweets that mention Shatchbacks 2: Judgement Day « PetrolBlog -- Topsy.com says:
    28th July 2010 at 9:53 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Benjamino Johnson and Benjamino Johnson, MajorGav. MajorGav said: Shatchbacks 2: Judgement Day: http://wp.me/pOCWo-b4 > 5 more #Shatchbacks as nominated by you. There are still more, get your nominations in […]

    Reply
  3. vHenryk says:
    29th July 2010 at 12:11 am

    Don’t forget that horrid Clio Sedan thing and the dismally proportioned C4 Sedan. Those two plus the Honda City, which is nothing else than a Jazz with a boot, would go well in this list. You get to rank their hideousness.

    Reply
    • MajorGav says:
      29th July 2010 at 8:27 am

      Don’t worry, the Clio will be appearing in episode three. The Japanese will also be well represented. Stay tuned!

      Reply
  4. Darren Leslie says:
    29th July 2010 at 9:05 am

    Now, I’m rather concerned that I didn’t think any of those Shatchbacks were to bad. Some of them have been photographed from the front, making it less obvious that they are booted hatches, and therefore reasemable a proper car.
    I was just about to go and book an eye test, but having seen that Peugeot monstrosity, I don’t think I want better eye sight. Truely, the worst looking car I’ve seen for a while…

    Reply
    • MajorGav says:
      29th July 2010 at 9:11 am

      It is quite clear that the Peugeot monstrosity is the most loathed Shatchback to date. But there’s still time for it to be toppled…

      Reply
  5. torquesteer says:
    29th July 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Has anyone been cruel enough to subject you to the horror of the Ford Ikon yet?…

    http://bit.ly/bTwdTY

    Sorry.

    Reply
    • MajorGav says:
      29th July 2010 at 1:09 pm

      Ah yes, the Fiesta saloon. A candidate for the next instalment. Unfortunately you’ll be credited for it!

      Reply
      • torquesteer says:
        29th July 2010 at 1:49 pm

        If my misfortune serves as a warning to others and helps them to avoid the evils of subcontinental FrankenFords, then I’ll take one for the team 🙂

        Reply
        • MajorGav says:
          29th July 2010 at 2:00 pm

          That’s the spirit!

          Reply
  6. Marko Le Rosso says:
    13th August 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Ford Orion? Never quite lived up to the name, and totally more crap than a sewage plant.

    Reply
    • MajorGav says:
      14th August 2010 at 11:58 pm

      Ah yes, the Ford Orion. Likely to be making an appearance in the third instalment of Shathbacks. Watch this space…

      Reply
  7. Neil says:
    12th October 2012 at 11:30 am

    The 206 sedan actually started life at Iran Khodro, who build the 206 5dr and the 405 for the Iranian market. Peugeot have then taken Iran Khodro’s development to other markets. For Iranians the larger boot isn’t the only advantage of the longer rear overhang – it allows space for a proper spare wheel well behind the suspension crossmember, so the spare wheel is inside the body safe from theft, not slung underneath like on the hatchback.

    Reply

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