From the dusty depths of the Petrolblog archives – wedged somewhere between a Renault Safrane brochure and a promotional VHS for the Fiat Tipo – comes this shocking revelation: actual car buyers couldn’t care less about ‘some hard plastics’.
For decades, this phrase has been the go-to way for reviewers to lob a token insult at an otherwise decent interior. But according to new research*, buyers are perfectly happy with the odd firm surface. They consider them far superior to door cards made from blancmange or dashboards fashioned from Fuzzy-Felt.
Not that Fuzzy-Felt interiors don’t sound oddly appealing. Imagine a dashboard where you could reposition your warning lights, stick a little sun, a house, and a sheep wherever you fancy. Alcantara and Nappa? Overrated.
The news has sent shockwaves through car journalism. Many reviewers rely on ‘some hard plastics’ to balance all that gushing about ‘pliant rides’ and ‘cavernous boots’. YouTube presenters are particularly rattled – without a ceremonial dashboard knock, how will viewers know the channel is serious?
Industry insiders whisper that ‘scratchy plastics in the lower half of the cabin’ will soon be retired in favour of catch-all clichés like ‘a nice place to be’ and ‘the controls fall nicely to hand’.
The study also revealed that most people only touch the top of a dashboard when fishing for a pay-and-display ticket wedged in that windscreen crevice. Meanwhile, the region south of the centre console – nicknamed the Tropic of Capricorn – remains less explored than North Sentinel Island.
In unrelated news, a man was left disappointed after buying a car described as having ‘wooly steering’. He’d been picturing a steering wheel covered in actual sheep. Sadly, the ride was also ‘nuggety’ – which is not, as he’d hoped, a reference to the glovebox being full of chicken.
*Probably. See also: Kia Rio buyers, who appear perfectly content with theirs.
