What would be the ideal PetrolBlog car? It’s a question we regularly get asked here at PBHQ, but in truth it’s something that’s rather difficult to define, not least because it would change on a weekly basis.
But what if we put makes and models aside for a moment and concentrated on the features associated with the perfect PetrolBlog car? Forget nonsense about top speed, meaningless 0-60 times and CO2 emissions and instead think about the bells and whistles.
On a recent tour of the Haynes Motor Museum with Darren of Audi 80 fame, it became apparent that building the perfect PetrolBlog car wouldn’t be so hard after all, as this list of 12 features demonstrates.
Mesdames et Messieurs, we present the PPC – the Perfect PetrolBlog Car. Or at least some of its features.
Yellow fog or headlights
The first on the list, because cars simply look better with yellow fog or headlights. OK, so preferably they need to be French, although other European firms can often get away with it, too.
As a rule, cars from the 1970s and 1980s definitely work, although some cars from the 1990s can rock the yellow look, too. Anything modern is a no-no. So don’t go adding yellow film to the headlights on your brand new Audi A4.
A black vinyl roof
Whatever happened to the black vinyl roof?
If nothing else, it makes the car easier to wax, as getting to the roof is always a pain. And nothing shouts ‘successful man’ quite like a black vinyl roof.
In the UK, we’ve become obsessed with alloy wheels, which means dealers and manufacturers love us. Would sir like to ‘upgrade’ to these 17-inch rims? How about some 18s or 19s? Better still, what about these 20-inch delights, guaranteed not to ruin the car’s ride.
We’ll have no such nonsense on the Perfect PetrolBlog Car (PPC), a nice set of steelies will do us fine, thank you. And we’re sure our friends over at Black Steelies will agree with us.
A single wiper
We’ve touched on this before, with our random list of 10 cars with single wipers.
Look, if it’s good enough for the Lamborghini Countach, it’s good enough for the PPC. Mercedes-Benz and Citroën would surely side with us.
Not to be confused with an asbestos sunroof, which is guaranteed to cause all sorts of mischief if you fit one to a car.
We love a good full-length Webasto sunroof, especially when it’s combined with a vinyl roof. See above – as if the Triumph Dolomite Sprint wasn’t cool enough already. Perhaps we should add a Webasto sunroof to the Honda Accord…
Venetian blind in rear window
Seriously, Audi, have you been sleeping? You’ve missed a trick by not adding this to your list of hideously expensive options.
A Venetian blind for the rear window – what could be better for that extra touch of privacy and protection from sunlight? Not to mention a guard against the menace of the LED daytime running lights. Yes, we’re looking at you, Audi and Mercedes-Benz. Well we would be, if our retinas weren’t suffering from irreparable damage.
At what point do car dealer window stickers become cool? On new cars they just look naff, but with the passing of time and some much-needed patina, they suddenly become acceptable.
This has to be our favourite dealer sticker of all time. We take our trilbies off to the good people of Performance Cars Ltd, Brentford. Getting the showroom’s name into the shape of a 1970s sports car is the work of genius.
Reserve petrol tank
Who remembers sitting in the back of their parent’s car, listening to Mum and Dad questioning whether there was enough fuel left in the tank to get home from Sainsbury’s?
There was always the reassurance of the reserve tank. What a quite brilliant idea, we have to wonder why it went out of fashion.
Illuminated STOP sign
When red brake lights aren’t enough…
Leave the tailgating photocopier salesman in no doubt that you’re stopping with illuminated S.T.O.P lights. Also available in S.P.E.E.D.I.N.G, O.N.T.H.E.P.H.O.N.E and T.E.X.T.I.N.G formats, making them perfect for the modern motorist.
Number plate behind glass or perspex
Protect your number plates by encasing them in a cabinet. Genius.
Oh how we love the Citroën SM.
We’d forgotten how cool proper wing-mounted mirrors could look until we saw the Japanese-spec Nissan Prairie.
Mirrors are just better when they’re mounted to the front wings. Unless there happens to be a caravan behind the car.
The Mazda RX-7 could claim the right to both these final items, but in the interests of showing you a piece of Fiat X1/9, we’re giving you this. We’d be in dream world if a car had yellow pop-up lights and yellow fog lights. Just imagine that.
Sadly, the pop-up headlight made its last appearance a decade ago, when the Lotus Esprit and C5 Corvette went out of production. A year earlier, the 456 was the last Ferrari to be graced with the mechanical wonders.
So that’s your lot – the dirty dozen – the 12 features that make up the Perfect PetrolBlog Car. Goodness knows what this thing would look like, but it wouldn’t matter, because you’d feel a million dollars in your car of many features.
If anyone is handy with PotatoShop, perhaps they could create the PPC. On second thoughts, we don’t want to give people nightmares…
Citroen images © Citroen, Fiat X1/9 © Fiat, Ford Cortina © Ford, RX-7 © Mazda, all others © PetrolBlog