Petrolblog Revisited: The ‘funny’ things people say when you're washing a car

There's a reason why this post has resurfaced after 15 years in the wilderness. It's thanks to research conducted by eBay, which found that 57 percent of BMW owners wash their cars at least once a week, while Dacia, SEAT, Fiat, Renault and Mazda owners wash their cars the least frequently. Petrolblog calls upon the nation's Modus, Safrane, Laguna and Twingo owners to do better. Or, you know, tell fibs when a researcher is asking you a question about cleanliness.

In news that will shock both professional and amateur detailers, the sponge has been named as the top cleaning accessory, used by 69 percent of owners, while 22 percent of the respondents admitted to using washing-up liquid on their car's exterior. Fairy might be good for your hands and dishes, but it's not welcome on your car's paintwork.

eBay UK's Abir Tewari said: “Our research shows that some drivers are using the wrong products, which could be doing more harm than good.” He didn't say anything about the ‘side-splitting’ things people say to you when you're washing your car, with or without Fairy liquid, so let's revisit the blog post from 2010.

As a student, I had a weekend job at my local supermarket. I'd spend many hours as a checkout operator, scanning groceries and taking customers’ money. Invariably, this would involve the customer handing me a £10 or £20 note. We were encouraged to hold the note up to the light to check the authenticity because, at the time, there were an awful lot of forgeries in the system. The transaction would invariably pass with little more than a polite exchange of pleasantries before moving on to the next queuing customer. But occasionally I had to endure the constant outburst of hilarity that greeted the simple action of holding a bank note in the air.

“That one should be ok, I made it this morning”

If I had a tenner for the amount of times I heard that amazingly witty comment during my two years at Sainsbury's, I'd have at least £20,000. And that's no exaggeration. I just hope they'd be real. For the customer, this joke must have felt well-timed, brilliant and the height of originality. The way they turned to their wife or girlfriend in glee – the ‘joke’ was normally delivered by a man – suggested they felt quite smug about their new-found status as a comedy genius. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the elderly chap in front of them and, in all probability, the man behind them, would come up with the same comment. Looking back, I only wish I had taken a hard line on the customer and called security.

“You've missed a bit”

But why this reference to my student job? Well, at the weekend I was reminded of the horrors associated with the comedy comments that seem to go hand-in-hand with someone washing their car. Living, as I do, in a rural area, I'm often left to wash my car in peace. And this is nice. But at the weekend, as I scrubbed the alloys on the Audi, I heard the faint sound of hooves as, some 200 yards up the lane, came a lady on horseback.

I prepared myself to say good morning and make some throwaway comment about the weather. But instead, as the lady on horseback drew closer, I was greeted with, “You've missed a bit.” Really? Is that the best you can offer?

“You can do mine when you've finished”

But that's nothing compared to this rib-tickler. Again, when I lived in suburbia, I would receive this comment every time I washed my car. Often by the same person. I don't really get this comment. Why would I want to wash their car after I've finished? If I knocked on their door when they were ironing, washing the dishes or mowing the lawn and said the same thing, would it be funny? No. Besides, with the greatest of respect, I don't want to waste my Turtle Wax shampoo on your Nissan Juke.

“You'll rub away the paint if you keep washing it”

Will I really rub away the paint if I keep washing it? I don't appear to be applying paint remover with a Brillo pad. Will you rub away the grass if you keep mowing the lawn? Will your house windows fall out if you keep cleaning them? I'm not sure they will.

“It'll rain now you've washed it”

Finally, who can forget this meteorologically accurate comment? Why will it rain? Does it rain after you've loaded the dishwasher? And come on, we live in Great Britain, it will rain within the next 13 minutes, regardless of whether I wash the car.

Maybe I should be grateful for the comments. Perhaps it's nice that the sight of a bucket and wash mitt brings out the Morecambe and Wise in people. But for now, I'll prepare myself for the next wash and keep practising my look of amusement and delight upon hearing the ‘joke’.

eBay is currently offering 30 percent off selected car care products until 31 July. Petrolblog hasn't been paid to say this, but we're always on the hunt for advertisers and sponsors; we've got a needy fleet of cars to feed!

Main image © Malcolm Griffiths. Washing-up image © Ralf Geithe, via iStock.