How do you defend the indefensible? I’m referring to the torrent of waffle that spilled out from the opening page of the Citroën C3 Pluriel brochure. Prepare yourself because things are about to get cringeworthy.
I quote: ‘Be inspired and take a step out of the ordinary. Let your imagination fly to a place where your dreams really do come true. To a magical place away from the daily grind where almost anything is possible. Where the only rule is … that there are no rules. Citroën C3 Pluriel is born of such dreams. Dreams of complete freedom to be anyone you want to be and to achieve anything you want to do. There are no limits and there’s absolutely nothing to hold you back. Don’t just look at the new C3 Pluriel. Feel it. Sense it. Dream it. As you draw closer the dream becomes a reality but with a real touch of magic. Because, amazingly, the C3 Pluriel can transform at will into what you want it to be. From a 3-door Saloon into a Panoramic Saloon … or a Cabriolet … or a Spider … or a Spider Pick-up. You choose. Dream your dream and create your own reality. With the new C3 Pluriel from Citroën you can practise magic every day.’
Good grief. I’ll defend Citroën and its cars – even the mediocre ones – until les vaches come home, but the company wasn’t doing itself any favours with that nonsense. How can so many words say so little? It could be an extract from an advert for an energy drink or from the promotional material for The NeverEnding Story. Rather apt, when you consider the length of time it takes to transform the C3 Pluriel from ‘Saloon’ to Spider and back again. To add some sinister overtones to the words, try to imagine the lines being delivered to the sleeping ‘angels of death’ by Blofeld (Telly Savalas) in the 1969 film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. A spot of brainwashing might have shifted a few more cars following the launch of the C3 Pluriel in 2003.
A simple C3 Cabriolet, in the style of the Citroën DS3 Cabrio launched a decade later, would have been fine. Market it as a supermini with four seats and an extended sunshine roof and Citroën’s salesforce could have been taken to a place where dreams of smashed targets really do come true. Instead, Citroën tried to convince us that the C3 was five cars in one, which soon became a problem in the UK, where it’s illegal to drive a car without a visible number plate, so that’s the pick-up option removed from dreamland. While you’re at it, ditch the Spider from the fantasy, because few C3 Pluriel owners were prepared to risk leaving the 12kg-a-piece roof arches at home in case the weather turned a bit ‘British’. Asking your passenger to hold the roof sections as you take a step out of the ordinary isn’t many people’s idea of a romantic drive in the country. ‘Darling, do you fancy taking a trip out in the Spider for a spot of wind-in-your-hair and arches-in-your-crotch motoring?’ Most people would take a rain check.
Around 110,000 buyers were taken in by the marketing waffle. Either that or the discounts were so great, the C3 Pluriel became more appealing than taking the bus. It was reasonably cheap; in the summer of 2003, it cost about the same as the two-seater Ford Streetka, which traded two rear seats for a more conventional roof.
Everything is pointing to a negative verdict. The C3 Pluriel was too complex for its own good and not fit for purpose in a world of simple but effective fabric roof mechanisms and fancy but effortless coupé-cabriolets. The C3 Pluriel deserved its death by Clarkson, Hammond and May in The Grand Tour Presents: Carnage a Trois.
Not so fast, because while the C3 Pluriel wasn’t Citroën’s finest hour, the way the canvas roof disappears into the boot floor should be applauded. Fold down the rear seats and open the tailgate, and you’ve got yourself a handy sun lounger for two, with or without the roof arches in place. It also looks funky with the arches in place; if only Citroën had stopped at this point, rather than making the making the roof sections removable and pretending the C3 Pluriel was something it wasn’t.
With some magic and a little imagination, the five-in-one Citroën might become a classic. There’s absolutely nothing to hold it back, except the SensoDrive automatic transmission (standard on the 1.6), water ingress, head gasket failure, roof seals, Jeremy Clarkson …
This article first appeared in issue 8 of Classic.Retro.Modern. magazine.
