Breaking news: Petrolblog launches its election manifesto

Gavin Big-Surname says the party will focus on the greater good of the country's motorists. The greater good.

The manifesto promises to cut waiting times on Britain's B-roads and fund the filling of millions of potholes. “This is an opportunity to deliver a decade of motoring renewal, and this manifesto is a blueprint to a brighter future,” said Mr Big-Surname, before delivering a long list of platitudes.

“For the many, not the Fuego,” he added.

The Petrolblog 10-point plan is designed to deliver a fair deal for the nation's motorists, to improve the road network and to ensure our children will gaze upon sunlit uplands from the back seat of their parents' four-door saloon.

Here is a summary of the manifesto.

• Section 1: Stiff penalties for ‘Level 42’ drivers
  • Everybody has encountered a 'Level 42' driver at some point. Normally on a B-road. It's like they're starring in a rubbish remake of Speed. There's a bomb in the Hyundai ix20 or Kia Venga. Once the car hits 41mph or 43mph, the bomb is armed. What do you do? You stick to a constant 42mph, of course, regardless of the conditions or speed limit. Past schools, over speed bumps, through 20mph zones and on derestricted roads. It doesn't matter. Any Joseph or Emily caught being a ‘Level 42’ driver faces a fine of £4,200 and six penalty points.
     
• Section 2: Protection for black steelies
  • Black steel wheels will be granted OoOB (Objects of Outstanding Beauty) status and there will be huge fines for anyone who hides them behind plastic wheel trims. Steel wheels are better to look at and better for the environment, so green campaigners will welcome the reduction in plastic. To discourage their purchase, aftermarket wheel trims will be subject to a higher rate of VAT, with the income used to repair Britain's roads (see section 6).
     
• Section 3: Better use of daytime running lights
  • The improper use of daytime running lights (DRLs) represents a danger to society. Some drivers believe that, because the DRLs are on at the front and the instrument cluster is illuminated, their cars can be seen in heavy rain, in fog and at dusk. Anyone caught using DRLs in inappropriate conditions will be forced to sit in a small room illuminated by fluorescent lamps until they appreciate the difference between night and day. Manufacturers will also be encouraged to provide a DRLs for Dummies leaflet as part of the new-car handover process.
     
• Section 4: Increase the rate of VAT on 3D number plates
  • Petrolblog doesn't want to ban the use of 3D number plates, because they do provide a service to society. However, they will be subject to a higher rate of VAT, with the income used to repair Britain's roads (see section 6). Petrolblog will also launch a public consultation on introducing a higher rate of Vehicle Excise Duty (VED) for cars with 'BO55 ***' number plates. If they're the boss, they can afford the extra tax.
     
• Section 5: Top Gear to return to our screens
  • The BBC will be told to relaunch Top Gear on BBC2. The show, which will be broadcast at 8.30pm every Thursday evening, will be fronted by William Woollard, Chris Goffey and Michelle Newman. In the first episode, Goffey will tour the Alps in a Talbot Solara, Woollard will preview the London Motorfair, and Newman will complete an economy drive in a Maestro diesel. Each episode will end with Elton John's ”Out of the Blue”.
     
• Section 6: No more potholes
  • The income raised from sections 2 and 4 will be ploughed directly into the filling of the nation's million or so potholes. In a separate move, middle-lane hoggers (see section 7) will be sent on a two-day course to learn how to repair a pothole and will be required to fill at least a dozen holes before they can use the motorway network. Petrolblog will also consider the launch of a Potty About Potholes (PAP) service, in which community speed watch groups will be encouraged to lay down their guns and pick up a trowel.
     
• Section 7: Shaming the middle-lane hoggers
  • See section 6. In addition to the potholes scheme, Petrolblog will introduce National Service for an army of middle-lane hogging vigilantes, who will be armed with air guns and stationed on motorway bridges across the country. The cars of anyone spotted hogging the middle lane will be hit by a capsule filled with permanent paint to shame them into submission.
     
• Section 8: Changes to the 40-year MOT exemption
  • Petrolblog isn't proposing to end the current 40-year exemption for historic vehicles. Instead, it will incentivise the taking of the test by offering a 25 percent discount off the cost of classic car insurance to anyone who takes and passes the test. Drivers will also be offered a free 'SAY YES TO THE MOT' car sticker, lollipop and vouchers to spend in BHS or C&A.
     
• Section 9: The use of 'POA' on car adverts to be banned
  • If a car is for sale, it needs a price. Anyone caught flouting the law will be forced to watch re-runs of the Chris Evans era of Top Gear.
     
• Section 10: Tax on fake exhaust pipes
  • Petrolblog will introduce a levy on car manufacturers who stick fake exhaust pipes on their new cars. It'll work like the window tax, introduced in 1696, so the more exhausts you have, the more you'll pay. Manufacturers will also be taxed heavily on fake exhausts fitted to small crossovers.

Petrolblog can change Britain. We can stop the chaos, turn the page, and start to rebuild our roads. Vote Petrolblog, and stuff.