FailCar is driving home for Christmas

General Bunk
And now, the Christmas message from FailCar. Bah humbug.

It wouldn't be Christmas without a message from FailCar. So without further ado...

I was just going to regurgitate last year's Christmas message and then send round a lovely e-card with pictures of snow, fairies and loveliness. But seeing as I didn’t want to let you down I figured I would send a lovely cheery Christmas message out.

I can’t stand this time of year. The battery on my iPod takes an epic beating because it's impossible to listen to the radio in the car without hearing some utter Christmas crap alongside Radio 1 interviewing Ollie Murs for the fifth time in as many days about what he thinks about toast crumbs. Or something else equally as exciting.

This leaves me solely reliant on my iPod music, which as I mostly use it when I go running and cycling is just full of things like ‘Running Trax 3’ and ‘David Guetta’ which results in me generally driving in the manner of a horse with a branding iron inserted into its rear.

My goodness it gets dark and all of a sudden people have totally forgotten how to bloody drive. Bumbling along at 39.5mph in a national limit, even slamming on the brakes every time a car comes in the opposing direction. IT’S A TWO-WAY ROAD, of course cars are going to be coming in the other direction, don’t act so surprised!

Then, when you don’t get stuck behind some tool, you have the joys of people totally blinding you by not switching to a dipped beam or, as seems to be more common nowadays, the headlights are not properly adjusted. Do these people not understand that by BLINDING cars coming in the opposing direction they could be causing somewhat of a safety issue? Don’t get me started on foglights @MajorGav covered that already.

Often being blinded in the dark then leads to a ‘THUNK-THUNK’, my other main bugbear of this time of year – potholes. Some of them on my commute could accurately be on par with lunar craters; it’s outrageous, dangerous and totally unacceptable. I think the priorities of the local council are clear to see on my driveway. I have FIVE wheelie bins and I don’t have a clue why or what they are all for.

I also seem to see more and more people just using side lights. I have never been entirely sure what the point of side lights is, but driving in darkness, fog or rain with only side lights is just a little bit mental, right?

At the other end of the bumbling spectrum you have those drivers that simply do not drive appropriately for the conditions. Last week with a bit of frost I spotted no less than three cars stuck in hedges. A Ford Fusion, Toyota Avensis and an old boggo VW Polo. None of these cars you would associate with being driven in anger, but you would associate them with people that generally don’t have a clue about driving. Figures.

Christmas Joy on PetrolBlogSo when I do manage to get home, my retinas are on fire from a badly fitted HID on an old 'Audi fairy light wannabe', the cars suspension bushes are now annihilated and my heart rate is a steady 200bpm thanks to the iPod soundtrack.

And then there's the presents. I’m a ‘petrolhead’ so that means that it’s great to buy me pointless s**t.  Maybe this sort of stuff is good for the sort of ‘petrolhead’ who, with glazed eyes, answers ‘Bugatti Veyron’ as being their favourite car, but for me, not so much. Utter crap. Interior windscreen wipes that create a greasy impenetrable film on the inside of the glass to help aid the full night-blinding process. Great, thanks.

Icing on the cake? I can’t even throw them out because I don’t know which fecking bin to put them in.

Bah humbug Merry Bloody Christmas.

Images courtesy of