Breaking news: many cars sold in the UK

The SMMT has released figures that reveal many cars were sold in the UK in 2015. Using words like 'boosted', 'exceeded' and 'outperforming', the SMMT was quick to say what a jolly good job the country was doing at selling cars.

In another record-breaking year, 2.63 million cars were registered in the UK, but - in a shock development - not all of them were Ford Fiestas. This news was a hammer blow for Ford, which had high hopes of filling the entire nation with Fiestas. However, a spokesperson for Ford refused to be downbeat, saying: "We would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling Vauxhall Corsa."

Meanwhile, over at SsangYong, there were scenes of jubilation as the company recorded a 117% increase in sales, with 3,344 vehicles finding a home in 2015. A man loitering outside a SsangYong dealership in Batley was quick to tell us the reason for the good fortune, saying: "People are no longer freaked out by the look of them Sangyo things and their interiors aren't rubbish anymore. Could you spare us some change for a cup of tea?"

For the first time since entering the UK market in 1989, Proton failed to register a single car. A Lotus-engineered spokesperson told us: "They've been in a Lotus-inspired product planning meeting since 2013 and if I'm honest, they have taken their eyes off the Lotus-tuned ball. But we still expect to see three new Lotus-drenched products before the year end."

Other press offices were quick to tell the world how well they are doing, with Jaguar Land Rover describing its record year as "totally stupendous", before asking if we'd seen the fabulous Bond movie yet, leaving BMW to admit their "best ever sales" was the result of people getting lost in the confusion of their model line-up and simply buying many cars until they found the one they were looking for.

Audi channeled its inner Rita Coolidge by announcing "an all-time high", while Hyundai sold at least one rather excellent Genesis, but was unable to confirm if the buyer was a Mr P. Gabriel of Solsbury Hill.

MG was too busy to comment on its 35% increase in registrations, seemingly distracted by Mr and Mrs Murdoch, who recently bought an MG6 and an MG3. Unaware of the UK's record-breaking year, Mr Murdoch said: "Being able to fit our labrador retriever into the ample-sized boot is great."