PetrolBlogPetrolBlogPetrolBlogPetrolBlog
  • Home
  • 70s cars
  • 80s cars
  • 90s cars
  • 00s cars
  • Manufacturers
    • CITROËN
    • PEUGEOT
    • RENAULT
    • Alfa Romeo
    • Audi
    • Dacia
    • Daihatsu
    • Fiat
    • Ford
    • Honda
    • Hyundai
    • Lancia
    • Matra
    • Mazda
    • Mercedes-Benz
    • Mitsubishi
    • Nissan
    • Opel
    • Proton
    • Saab
    • Seat
    • Skoda
    • Suzuki
    • Talbot
    • Toyota
    • Vauxhall
    • Volkswagen
    • Volvo
  • Features
    • 10 of the best
    • CarTunes
    • General Bunk
    • It’s time to appreciate
    • Major Waffle
    • New cars
    • Regrets
    • Reviews
    • Save Our Scrap
    • Shatchbacks
    • The Barn
    • Whatever happened to?
  • Garage
  • Shop
0

Something Wicked This Way Comes: The Large SUV

Published by William Dickey at 11th September 2020
BMW X7 Dark Shadow Edition Large SUV

It’s a welcome return for William Dickey, who has some thoughts on the current large SUV styling trends. Say your prayers, little one, this one isn’t pretty. The words are good, mind.

Over 40 years ago, I wrote a modest monthly column about cars for a medical newspaper. Of course, being a freebie, its survival relied on advertising from pharmaceuticals, medical equipment manufacturers and even the odd carmaker. There was an employee in editorial whose job was to excise any content which might cause offence and adversely affect revenue.

So my suggestion that Vauxhall might have had a suppository in mind when styling their new Mk2 Astra as a riposte to the Ford Capri 2.8 Injection (other methods of medicine administration are available) ended up on the cutting room floor. And in the days when multivalve engines were a big selling point, my comment that a sporty hatchback had more valves than a skip at a well-known manufacturer of cardiac prostheses having quality control issues at the time went down like a lead balloon catheter.

Eventually I threw the head up over the censorship and submitted an article on an Albanian car which, while completely inoffensive to any potential advertisers, was totally fictional. The editors only twigged when the letters came flooding in after publication. We parted company soon after.

Tirana saw us, Rex

Albanian national symbol and cars

Anyhow, it was a luxury four-wheel drive, in the days when all we had were the Range Rover, Mercedes G and a couple of posh Jeeps. The Tirana SRS-X, as I called it, was powered by the same V12 diesel as the Chinese tanks then in use by the Albanian army. It also featured a two-stroke engine built under licence from Briggs and Stratton, mounted in the capacious glove compartment, whose sole purpose was to provide heating for the vast interior.

Fifty percent of respondents called this out as a very poor mickey-take, but what struck me at the time was the other half who wanted the address and contact number of the importer. Even though, milking the Eastern European/bad medical joke theme, I had said they were being brought in by a Romanian haematologist through Whitby. Had I offered to take deposits on his behalf, I could well now be living in a warm country with no UK extradition treaty.

This, of course, was a hint back in those innocent days that truth would inevitably become much, much stranger than fiction. Which brings us logically to the BMW X7.

Maw, he’s making eyes at me

Numerous commentators have said rude things about current BMW styling trends, mostly regarding what they’ve done with the traditional kidney grille. Which in the case of the X7 resembles nothing so much as two basking sharks trying to squeeze through a cat flap at the same time. You might feel sorry for BMW, and other German prestige manufacturers, if you assumed that they are genuinely trying to please their customers without really understanding how they’ve ended up with The Ultimate Gurning Machine™.

Until you see this, from Brabus. It’s the limited edition Black Ops (sic) version of the Mercedes-AMG Gelandewagen. It appears that there is an actual demand for sinister SUVs which need night vision goggles to see out of. While driving in daylight. Probably included in the limited edition specification is a portfolio of Central American governments needing to be overthrown by covert means. Fair enough: lots of people are in the market for this sort of car because they need to channel their inner Oliver North.

Brabus 800 Black Ops

And then you look at the video. Stylish young couple looking enigmatically moody out on the moors – so far so generic ad for, oh anything really, from deodorant to life insurance. And maybe they’re just looking the way people look when they’ve got the right deodorant and proper life insurance.

Then it all goes a bit haywire when they go for a drive. He’s having bother keeping the big fecker on his own side of the road, though maybe he hasn’t passed his HGV test. Next thing she’s doing some exotic dancing with torches in the middle of the night. And then he’s screaming. That life insurance policy won’t be any use to his dependents because the small print specifically excludes the condition of living death that is an inevitable consequence of hanging out with a succubus. Suddenly driving about with a curly cable coming out of your ear is somehow innocent.

It’s just the beasts under your bed

2021 BMW X7 Dark Shadow Edition

Not to be outdone, in mid-July, Spartanburg came out with this. The American blurb for the limited edition X7 Dark Shadow pulls no punches. It’s for those seeking “a darker and more mysterious side to their seven-seater sports activity vehicle”. So it’s already giving children nightmares and they’ve decided to take the horror to an entirely different level. There’s no scary video with this one, but if there had been it might have involved somebody being sucked into the big giant grille, inspired by every film about terrorists taking over an airport ever made.

There is a precedent. Chris Bangle, BMW’s previous controversial stylist, was clearly an H.P. Lovecraft fan, whose interesting sheet metal designs on the 5 and 7 series of the time were inspired by the ancient and horrific multidimensional beings known as the Many Angled Ones.

Sleep with one eye open

Land Rover Discovery in Belarus

Industry insiders claim that plans to fit the Land Rover Discovery with sequential LED indicators have been postponed as the combination with an inexplicably offset rear number plate triggers cognitive dissonance symptoms ranging from an extremely severe migraine to mass hysteria. Only postponed, mind you.

Because finally we have a new class of crossover which can be distinguished from conventional sports activity/utility vehicles. Land Rover needs to be in there with a new four-wheel drive, much bigger than the Discovery. It should have the back number plate not only off-centre, but tilted about ten degrees from the horizontal and sticking out a little more from the tailgate on one side. Nothing major, just enough to cause a sense of unease and some nausea. Until the sequential indicator is activated…

Land Rover’s belated entry into the Eldritch Horror Vehicle market. And I for one welcome our new Land Rover Cthulhu overlords (with a soft-spot of course for the Cthulhu Sport which will inevitably follow).

More SUV-inspired nonsense

  • Discovery: celebrating the off-centre number plate
  • The curse of the crossover is killing French tat
  • AMC Eagle: the original crossover?
Share
1


Related Waffle


BMW M5 CS Laserlight

The new BMW M5 CS has YELLOW LIGHTS

Jan 27, 2021
Mercedes-Benz F100 side profile

The Mercedes-Benz F100 was the MPV you always wanted

Jan 27, 2021
Mercedes W123 at the car wash

10 of the Best: Mercedes at the Car Wash, Yeah

Nov 27, 2020
BMW 2002 sunroof

10 of the Best: When BMW Made Us Smile

Nov 17, 2020

2 Comments

  1. Ben C says:
    14th September 2020 at 3:37 pm

    I actually quite like the look of that offering from Brabus, however I fear it would require the sale of both my kidneys, house and both children to facilitate said purchase. The wife would also probably need to become a lady of the night to help me cover repayments. On the plus side, I would have the right kind of intimidating vehicle to drop her off “at work”!

    Back to reality – cars, especially SUVs, are getting too big. If you get more legroom and boot space in a saloon or estate then why drive the automotive equivalent of a hippopotamus?! The only cheapish SUV that holds some appeal to me is the Subaru Tribeca in 7 seat guise. However I don’t know if I could live with something so chubby!

    I will end by saying it’s a shame the article doesn’t mention SUV maker Dartz – their company and car line up is gloriously bonkers!

    Reply
  2. William says:
    16th September 2020 at 10:27 pm

    Afraid I am too old to deal with anything other than Darts with an “s”.

    But I would be up for somebody bringing out a Duke of Earl limited edition of one of the less evil SUVs.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIsp_AA2ElA

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

JOIN CLUB PETROLBLOG

Club PetrolBlog

Latest PetrolBlog Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66H54duotkI&t=29s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YrdKXz-OgM&t=4s

Support PetrolBlog – Buy Stickers

  • Too Good to Scrap TOO GOOD TO SCRAP window sticker £3.00
  • PETROLBLOG laptop sticker PetrolBlog laptop sticker £3.00 £2.50
  • GOAT My car is the G.O.A.T window sticker £3.00
  • Tollfoolery sticker Tollfoolery car bumper sticker £3.50
  • My car is the goat bumper sticker My car is the G.O.A.T bumper sticker £3.00
  • Club PetrolBlog sticker Club PetrolBlog membership 2020/2021
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    £15.00
  • French Tat window sticker #FrenchTat window sticker £4.00
  • PetrolBlog sticker PetrolBlog car sticker £4.00
  • Waffle & Bunk laptop sticker Waffle & Bunk laptop sticker £3.00 £2.50
  • French Tat bumper sticker #FrenchTat bumper sticker £3.50

What you’re saying

  • 27th February 2021

    M commented on Whatever happened to the Invacar?

  • 27th February 2021

    M commented on Whatever happened to the Invacar?

  • 25th February 2021

    Rich D commented on 10 of the best: single wipers

  • 24th February 2021

    Dave and his Volvo commented on Shednesday: Native New Yorker in Sunderland

  • 24th February 2021

    Johannes Smith commented on Last remaining Sao Penza found on Pluto

Keep PetrolBlog Alive!

Donate to PetrolBlog

Fresh waffle

  • Chrysler New Yorker Shednesday1
    Shednesday: Native New Yorker in Sunderland
    22nd February 2021
  • Buy a Toyota Celica2
    Buy a Toyota Celica – it’s good for your mental health
    19th February 2021
  • Renault 21 Turbo1
    Lost Bullet is a film about a Renault 21 Turbo
    18th February 2021
  • Shednesday Fiat Croma5
    Shednesday: Fiat Croma Comfort Wagon
    17th February 2021
  • 2021 Lancia Ypsilon EcoChic3
    Your reminder that the Lancia Ypsilon is still alive
    5th February 2021
  • Renault 19 at the Cafe Real Madrid0
    10 of the best: the French cars of Conakry
    4th February 2021
  • End of the road for Toyota GT86 in the UK6
    PetrolBlog’s 2013 Toyota GT86 review, revisited
    3rd February 2021
  • As Seen On PB Audi quattro3
    As seen on PB: 1986 Audi WR quattro
    3rd February 2021
  • Fiat Regata Energy Saving1
    Citymatic for the people: Fiat Regata ES
    2nd February 2021
  • Renault 11 Broadway0
    Give my regards to the Renault 11 Broadway
    2nd February 2021

Newsletters

PetrolBlog
ABOUT | ADVERTISING / SPONSORSHIP | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS & CONDITIONS | CONTACT US

Unashamedly unmodern, delivering automotive waffle and bunk, on and off, since 2010

Copyright © PetrolBlog. Website by Oxinternet.

0