PetrolBlogPetrolBlogPetrolBlogPetrolBlog
  • Home
  • 70s cars
  • 80s cars
  • 90s cars
  • 00s cars
  • Manufacturers
    • CITROËN
    • PEUGEOT
    • RENAULT
    • Alfa Romeo
    • Audi
    • Dacia
    • Daihatsu
    • Fiat
    • Ford
    • Honda
    • Hyundai
    • Lancia
    • Matra
    • Mazda
    • Mercedes-Benz
    • Mitsubishi
    • Nissan
    • Opel
    • Proton
    • Saab
    • Seat
    • Skoda
    • Suzuki
    • Talbot
    • Toyota
    • Vauxhall
    • Volkswagen
    • Volvo
  • Features
    • 10 of the best
    • CarTunes
    • General Bunk
    • It’s time to appreciate
    • Major Waffle
    • New cars
    • Regrets
    • Reviews
    • Save Our Scrap
    • Shatchbacks
    • Shednesday
    • The Barn
    • Whatever happened to?
  • Garage
  • Shop
0

Something Wicked This Way Comes: The Large SUV

Published by William Dickey at 11th September 2020
BMW X7 Dark Shadow Edition Large SUV

It’s a welcome return for William Dickey, who has some thoughts on the current large SUV styling trends. Say your prayers, little one, this one isn’t pretty. The words are good, mind.

Over 40 years ago, I wrote a modest monthly column about cars for a medical newspaper. Of course, being a freebie, its survival relied on advertising from pharmaceuticals, medical equipment manufacturers and even the odd carmaker. There was an employee in editorial whose job was to excise any content which might cause offence and adversely affect revenue.

So my suggestion that Vauxhall might have had a suppository in mind when styling their new Mk2 Astra as a riposte to the Ford Capri 2.8 Injection (other methods of medicine administration are available) ended up on the cutting room floor. And in the days when multivalve engines were a big selling point, my comment that a sporty hatchback had more valves than a skip at a well-known manufacturer of cardiac prostheses having quality control issues at the time went down like a lead balloon catheter.

Eventually I threw the head up over the censorship and submitted an article on an Albanian car which, while completely inoffensive to any potential advertisers, was totally fictional. The editors only twigged when the letters came flooding in after publication. We parted company soon after.

Tirana saw us, Rex

Albanian national symbol and cars

Anyhow, it was a luxury four-wheel drive, in the days when all we had were the Range Rover, Mercedes G and a couple of posh Jeeps. The Tirana SRS-X, as I called it, was powered by the same V12 diesel as the Chinese tanks then in use by the Albanian army. It also featured a two-stroke engine built under licence from Briggs and Stratton, mounted in the capacious glove compartment, whose sole purpose was to provide heating for the vast interior.

Fifty percent of respondents called this out as a very poor mickey-take, but what struck me at the time was the other half who wanted the address and contact number of the importer. Even though, milking the Eastern European/bad medical joke theme, I had said they were being brought in by a Romanian haematologist through Whitby. Had I offered to take deposits on his behalf, I could well now be living in a warm country with no UK extradition treaty.

This, of course, was a hint back in those innocent days that truth would inevitably become much, much stranger than fiction. Which brings us logically to the BMW X7.

Maw, he’s making eyes at me

Numerous commentators have said rude things about current BMW styling trends, mostly regarding what they’ve done with the traditional kidney grille. Which in the case of the X7 resembles nothing so much as two basking sharks trying to squeeze through a cat flap at the same time. You might feel sorry for BMW, and other German prestige manufacturers, if you assumed that they are genuinely trying to please their customers without really understanding how they’ve ended up with The Ultimate Gurning Machine™.

Until you see this, from Brabus. It’s the limited edition Black Ops (sic) version of the Mercedes-AMG Gelandewagen. It appears that there is an actual demand for sinister SUVs which need night vision goggles to see out of. While driving in daylight. Probably included in the limited edition specification is a portfolio of Central American governments needing to be overthrown by covert means. Fair enough: lots of people are in the market for this sort of car because they need to channel their inner Oliver North.

Brabus 800 Black Ops

And then you look at the video. Stylish young couple looking enigmatically moody out on the moors – so far so generic ad for, oh anything really, from deodorant to life insurance. And maybe they’re just looking the way people look when they’ve got the right deodorant and proper life insurance.

Then it all goes a bit haywire when they go for a drive. He’s having bother keeping the big fecker on his own side of the road, though maybe he hasn’t passed his HGV test. Next thing she’s doing some exotic dancing with torches in the middle of the night. And then he’s screaming. That life insurance policy won’t be any use to his dependents because the small print specifically excludes the condition of living death that is an inevitable consequence of hanging out with a succubus. Suddenly driving about with a curly cable coming out of your ear is somehow innocent.

It’s just the beasts under your bed

2021 BMW X7 Dark Shadow Edition

Not to be outdone, in mid-July, Spartanburg came out with this. The American blurb for the limited edition X7 Dark Shadow pulls no punches. It’s for those seeking “a darker and more mysterious side to their seven-seater sports activity vehicle”. So it’s already giving children nightmares and they’ve decided to take the horror to an entirely different level. There’s no scary video with this one, but if there had been it might have involved somebody being sucked into the big giant grille, inspired by every film about terrorists taking over an airport ever made.

There is a precedent. Chris Bangle, BMW’s previous controversial stylist, was clearly an H.P. Lovecraft fan, whose interesting sheet metal designs on the 5 and 7 series of the time were inspired by the ancient and horrific multidimensional beings known as the Many Angled Ones.

Sleep with one eye open

Land Rover Discovery in Belarus

Industry insiders claim that plans to fit the Land Rover Discovery with sequential LED indicators have been postponed as the combination with an inexplicably offset rear number plate triggers cognitive dissonance symptoms ranging from an extremely severe migraine to mass hysteria. Only postponed, mind you.

Because finally we have a new class of crossover which can be distinguished from conventional sports activity/utility vehicles. Land Rover needs to be in there with a new four-wheel drive, much bigger than the Discovery. It should have the back number plate not only off-centre, but tilted about ten degrees from the horizontal and sticking out a little more from the tailgate on one side. Nothing major, just enough to cause a sense of unease and some nausea. Until the sequential indicator is activated…

Land Rover’s belated entry into the Eldritch Horror Vehicle market. And I for one welcome our new Land Rover Cthulhu overlords (with a soft-spot of course for the Cthulhu Sport which will inevitably follow).

More SUV-inspired nonsense

  • Discovery: celebrating the off-centre number plate
  • The curse of the crossover is killing French tat
  • AMC Eagle: the original crossover?
Share
1


Related Waffle


Toyota Land Cruiser No Time To Die

No Time To Die in a Toyota Land Cruiser

Dec 13, 2021
Bridgestone Potenza Sport tyres

PetrolBlog looks at Bridgestone Potenza Sport tyres

Aug 11, 2021
Mercedes 450 SEL whitewalls

Achtung Baby! ‘Bono’s Banger’ Mercedes heads to auction

Jul 15, 2021
Greater Manchester Police Range Rover P38A

Cop a load of this ex-police Range Rover P38A

Apr 14, 2021

2 Comments

  1. Ben C says:
    14th September 2020 at 3:37 pm

    I actually quite like the look of that offering from Brabus, however I fear it would require the sale of both my kidneys, house and both children to facilitate said purchase. The wife would also probably need to become a lady of the night to help me cover repayments. On the plus side, I would have the right kind of intimidating vehicle to drop her off “at work”!

    Back to reality – cars, especially SUVs, are getting too big. If you get more legroom and boot space in a saloon or estate then why drive the automotive equivalent of a hippopotamus?! The only cheapish SUV that holds some appeal to me is the Subaru Tribeca in 7 seat guise. However I don’t know if I could live with something so chubby!

    I will end by saying it’s a shame the article doesn’t mention SUV maker Dartz – their company and car line up is gloriously bonkers!

    Reply
  2. William says:
    16th September 2020 at 10:27 pm

    Afraid I am too old to deal with anything other than Darts with an “s”.

    But I would be up for somebody bringing out a Duke of Earl limited edition of one of the less evil SUVs.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIsp_AA2ElA

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Latest PetrolBlog Videos:

https://youtu.be/fXRLAHLNX7M
https://youtu.be/0vnsNaXh7KM

PetrolBlog in print!

Classic.Retro.Modern

Support PetrolBlog – Buy Stickers

  • GOAT My car is the G.O.A.T window sticker £3.00
  • Too good to scrap bumper sticker TOO GOOD TO SCRAP bumper sticker/plaster £3.00
  • PETROLBLOG laptop sticker PetrolBlog laptop sticker £3.00 £2.50
  • French Tat bumper sticker #FrenchTat bumper sticker £3.50
  • My car is the goat bumper sticker My car is the G.O.A.T bumper sticker £3.00
  • Tollfoolery sticker Tollfoolery car window sticker £4.00
  • PetrolBlog sticker PetrolBlog car sticker £4.00
  • Waffle & Bunk laptop sticker Waffle & Bunk laptop sticker £3.00 £2.50
  • French Tat window sticker #FrenchTat window sticker £4.00
  • Tollfoolery sticker Tollfoolery car bumper sticker £3.50

What you’re saying

  • 18th December 2022

    davidgrayson commented on Would you look good getting out of a Toyota Sera?

  • 12th December 2022

    Lorraine commented on Your reminder that the Lancia Ypsilon is still alive

  • 15th November 2022

    J. Darion DuBois commented on Save it from the ‘Banger Boys’: Peugeot 604

  • 7th November 2022

    Mahmood Razak Bahman commented on Whatever happened to the Proton Coupe?

  • 21st October 2022

    Joey Deacon commented on Whatever happened to the Invacar?

Fresh waffle

  • Citroen 2CV resting on the back of a truck1
    PetrolBlog: the chump is coming back
    13th May 2022
  • 2022 Dacia Jogger in Terracotta1
    The Dacia Jogger is a practical remix of the Matra Rancho
    14th December 2021
  • Toyota Land Cruiser No Time To Die2
    No Time To Die in a Toyota Land Cruiser
    13th December 2021
  • Fahnome Knight Rider build your own KITT0
    Sponsored: K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider is now available as a kit
    17th November 2021
  • Hyundai Heritage Series Grandeur rear light7
    The Hyundai Heritage Series Grandeur is the future we want
    12th November 2021
  • Club PetrolBlog most beautiful1
    Club PetrolBlog members at their most beautiful
    20th August 2021
  • Renault Avantime in Geneva0
    You won’t believe these facts about French cars
    19th August 2021
  • 2008 Citroen C51
    Berlin or bust: the Unmistakeably German ad campaign
    12th August 2021
  • Bridgestone Potenza Sport tyres1
    PetrolBlog looks at Bridgestone Potenza Sport tyres
    11th August 2021
  • Toyota Camry V6 and Porsche 9243
    An unexceptional day out in the Toyota Camry V6
    2nd August 2021

Newsletters

PetrolBlog
ABOUT | ADVERTISING / SPONSORSHIP | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS & CONDITIONS | CONTACT US

The world’s least influential car blog since 2010.

Copyright © PetrolBlog.

0
We use cookies to offer you a better browsing experience and analyse site traffic. We also share information about how you browse our site with our advertising and analytics partners who may combine it with other information that you have provided to them or that they have collected for your use of their services.
Cookie SettingsAccept All
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT