I’ve cracked it. Where countless politicians and economists have failed, I think I may have found a solution to the economic crisis. Forget quantitative easing, interest rates and house building, the one thing that can drag us out of the recession is the Jaguar XKR-S.
You might need to bear with me on this…
Last month I had the pleasure of driving the £97,000 supercar for the first time and for 20 glorious minutes, I was on top of the world. I admit that the XKR-S isn’t exactly a PetrolBlog car. Heck, for £25k more, I could have the entire contents of my Real World Dream Barn. But hey, surely everybody is allowed to indulge themselves every once in a while?
But why does the XKR-S have the potential to haul us from the age of austerity?
It’s quite simple when you think about it. The Jaguar XKR-S is a quite brilliant car. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that the XKR-S is more than just a car. It’s an icon. A masterpiece. A representation of all that’s good about British engineering.
Only a single letter change separates class and crass and often, through association more than anything else, a supercar can end up being crass. But the Jaguar XKR-S, even in ‘look at me’ white, simply oozes class.
When it comes to sophistication, elegance and subtlety, nobody does it better. Time for a change, Mr Bond?
Those delightful 20 minutes behind the wheel of the XKR-S were astounding. For a car with dimensions that make it only slightly smaller than Chipping Norton, the big cat is surprisingly easy to chuck around a British B-road. Its off-the-line pace is breathtaking – it’ll rocket to 60mph in 4.2 seconds and go on to a top speed of 186mph. I was somewhat taken aback when I got the rear wheels spinning in third gear, but then with 558bhp on tap, the XKR-S is so powerful, you sense it could drag the Isle of Wight out of the Solent.
And then there’s the noise. Oh my word, the noise. Jaguar, here’s a request. Please, please, please bottle the sound made by the 5.0 V8 supercharged engine and have it made available on prescription. It’s the best cure for depression I’ve ever come across.
And yet, despite the Jag’s epic dimensions, power and indeed, price tag, it somehow manages to remain effortlessly cool. The big Jag should be revered rather than reviled. It says more in a single whisper than other supercars could shout in an entire decade.
So here’s the plan.
If you’re a captain of industry, a genuine A-lister, a school headteacher or an infinitely cool person, please phone your local Jaguar dealer and place an order. Immediately. Don’t waste your time with the tedious task of a test drive or the rather tasteless act of face-to-face negotiation, simply choose a colour and place a deposit. Take it from me, you won’t be disappointed.
The more XKR-Ss that are seen on Britain’s roads, the better the economy will perform. The XKR-S is the ultimate motivational tool. The good people of Britain will once again learn not to accept second best. We shall no longer be satisfied with glorious failure. No more the plucky underdog. With the XKR-S, Britain shall rise again. The XKR-S is not only something to be proud of, but it’s also something to aim for.
If you’re head of sales for your organisation, I demand that you hold a photo of the XKR-S in front of your sales team. This is why you need to sell more paper clips. This is why you need to sell one more conservatory this month. Second best isn’t good enough – you can only call yourself a success once you’ve owned a Jaguar XKR-S.
You’re a head teacher. Then start saving for the big Jag. Nothing will spur on the pupils at your school more than the sight of your XKR-S in the car park. Go further than this. Pin a photo of the XKR-S to every desk at your school. This is why you need to work hard, kids. Forget pinning your hopes on Celebrity Simply Come Dine With Ice Factor – that’s not a passport to greatness. Ownership of a Jaguar XKR-S is. And parents, you can help too by ensuring a spec list for the XKR-S is glued to inside of your child’s lunchbox.
It cannot fail. Workers will work harder. School children will…er…school harder. The increased productivity will improve the economy. The Jaguar XKR-S can do this.
Think of the knock-on effect of greater XKR-S ownership. More demand means more supply is needed. So new factories will be opened and more jobs created. And more people in work means more people spending money, so the XKR-S will help the retail sector too. Wow, what a car.
Then there are the countless suppliers of parts and accessories. The joy will spread throughout the nation.
And you, Mr Farmer, don’t think you’re left out of the good times. Each XKR-S comes with the finest Warm Charcoal leather, so cattle farming will need to be ramped up. Turn those fields of crops into pasture for the cows to ensure a plentiful supply of hides. And we all know that cattle farming makes for a more beautiful countryside, so tourism will increase too, thanks to all the visitors flocking to see our green and pleasant land.
And Mr Petrol Forecourt Retailer, you’re in for a treat too. The XKR-S’s combined MPG figure of 23.0 means that more drivers will be spending more time in your garage. So stock up on Snickers and Jelly Babies as we know you make more margin on sweets than you do on fuel. And believe me, such is the intoxicating feeling of driving the XKR-S at the limit, that most people will be seeing the 14.9 urban MPG figure.
Oh and don’t feel you’re being left out, Mr Tyre Fitter. With the 235/35 R20 rear tyres costing upwards of £200 a piece, you’ll be enjoying bumper profits as sales of the XKR-S rise. Being in rubber will never have felt better.
I seriously can’t see how this plan will fail. Every way you look at this, the country wins. More dealers will be required. More servicing departments will be needed. Everyone’s a winner.
Let’s also not forget that the XKR-S is quite simply the sexiest car on the road today. Britain will look more respectable. More beautiful. The Jaguar XKR-S can make Britain sexy. One can only hope that this inspires the population to dress accordingly. No more tracksuits, jogging bottoms and football shirts. You see, the Jaguar XKR-S really is a car that keeps on giving.
And the more XKR-Ss that are bought now, the more choice we’ll have on the secondhand market in a few years time. See, even PetrolBlog readers benefit from this.
But best of all, the Jaguar XKR-S is made in Britain. So when other countries see what the car has done for us, they’ll want a piece of the action. The XKR-S will become our biggest export since The Beatles.
I therefore present to you, the car that will drag this nation out of the doldrums. The exquisite and quite beautiful, Jaguar XKR-S.
However, if it all goes wrong, the XKR-S would make the perfect bank robber’s car. It seats four and has 330 litres of boot space. And the cops would never catch you…