Eterniti Hemera: So who asked for a ‘Super-SUV’?
Come on, own up. Who asked for a ‘Super-SUV’?
Who in their right mind woke up one morning and decided that what the world needs most right now is a ‘Super-SUV’?
Well whoever you are, please proceed to the corner of the room, bow your head in shame and promise never to open your mouth again. Because, my friend, the result is the Eterniti Hemera.
Regardless of the fact that the name sounds like a condition that affects the unmentionable parts of the human body*, I quite frankly find the Hemera the most distasteful and unwelcome car to be launched in recent years. To my eyes at least, I think even Premier League footballers will struggle to give up their Bentleys and Porsches for this abomination. To make matters worse, the Hemera is going to be “hand-built in London”, so we can’t even blame ‘Johnny Foreigner’ for this horror story.
Remember the days when Britain graced the world with sophisticated, elegant and graceful luxury cars? Well take a long hard look at them, as the Eterniti Hemera takes all of that, squeezes it all into a little ball and kicks it into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Yes, yes, the press release will tell you that the Hemera offers ‘4×4 ruggedness’, 620bhp and a top speed of 180mph, but just how useful is this in the real world? It’ll lack the genuine ruggedness of a Defender, the sophistication and heritage of a Range Rover and will undoubtedly single you out as a bit of a wally. Price? If you have to ask, etc, etc…
If I had my way, it’d be called the Eterniti Vulgar. Actually scrub that. If I had my way, it wouldn’t exist at all. Does the world really need another oversized, over-styled and over-the-top SUV? Give me a Talbot Matra Rancho any day of the week.
OK, rant over. But I’ll leave you with this thought. Is it me, or does it look like someone has simply added some Seat Leon Cupra R to the Porsche Cayenne underpinnings?
If you’re interested, you can view the Hemera at the Frankfurt Motor Show on the 13th September. Alternatively you’re all welcome at my house to watch my newly painted living room wall dry. Just bring the Hobnobs.
*Hemera is in actual fact the Greek goddess of daylight. I’m looking forward to seeing the dazzling LEDs on this thing then.
11 Comments
Are you trying to say, this actually isn’t just a Cayenne Turbo S with some ECU and exhaust trickery, and the Cupra body kit? I find that hard to believe.
No, no. This is new and exciting. A landmark launch. Believe the hype, Ton. Believe the hype…
Hmm new business model for a new car manufacturer
1. Buy a car from another manufacturer
2. Drive it through the nearest Halfords, and see what has stuck to it when you come out the other side
3. Give it a name that sounds like something the centre for disease control would issue an advisory on
4. Market the results for twice the price of the base car
Voila.
Genius response, Matthew!
I’d like to say that a business model like that wouldn’t pass the test on Dragons’ Den. But clearly somebody bought into it…
What scares me more than the car, is that someone will actually buy one. Shudder.
You peeps have a thing for hobnobs!?
Not sure what gave you that idea! 😉
I did read somewhere that it is actually based on the Cayenne. What I didn’t read though was that it was actually just a tarted up Cayenne. And just for you Tom, I bet there isn’t even a suitable place to keep a family size pack of Hobnobs. Shocking.
A place for Hobnobs? I hope this point is referenced somewhere during the press conference in Frankfurt…
Another Raciing Pig. I dont get it. If you want to go fast, get a sports car, if you want a 4×4 there are plenty of pleasant ones that dont make you look daft as soon as you need it(4×4) and will leave enough in the budget for….a sports car.
The development must go something like this; get a tall off roader cos women like using them in town, put in a big motor…cant stop it…big brakes….christ it doesnt handle…..big suspension….christ no good off road….pile on some electronics for ‘stability’ control (i thought that was the benefit of having a fundamentaly good chassis)…..christ its fast, it now stops, it will get round a corner……jes…it wallows…..okay lets stiffen it up….boy this isnt comfortable……some big chairs….hey these are heavy….now its such a pig it makes you sweat….okay twin air con and vented seats….some more power….etc etc
Its hard to believe they are so uneconomic!
Adrian
Ha! I think you’ve had access to Eternit’s product development meetings. That shows genuine insight there! 😉
[…] 620-hp “super-SUV” called the Hemera (below right), which looks like a modified Cayenne. One disgusted Brit said, Regardless of the fact that [the] name sounds like a condition that affects the unmentionable […]